Love, happiness and trusting your gut

Hello from Singapore!

I’ve been here since May 10. Flying back to Manila next week will mark the “real world” chapter of my life. Yes, I’m both anxious and excited to get my “shit together,” but its been a summer of changing priorities on life, career and people.

 ”Do what you love,” is the common motivational theme in the work force. As a person who’s passionate about her pursuits, I agree — but maybe not exactly to its full extent anymore.

Perhaps the bare minimum is to do what makes you happy. You don’t necessarily have to make a career out of what you love because you can do that in spite of it. The lucky few can do both. For the rest, relax. It’s okay.

I think people often feel lost, confused and unfulfilled in the process of trying to figure out what they love doing, most especially my batchmates who like me, are fresh-faced from college. But then you risk getting so caught up in it.

Just start with something that makes you happy. Excited. Piques your interest. Something that doesn’t make you despise going to work the next day. Then love and meaning will always find its way.

I am and will probably always be an ambitious person, but now more than ever do I believe in living simply and honestly. I am not my work. My work is simply an extension of who I am, which I think allows me to embrace whatever comes my way. To be happy whatever comes my way.

As for people, well, so far the last couple of months have been surprising, with the interesting people who have entered and those who have sadly left my life. Constants that turn into variables. Bridges that break, rather than burn, are the worst. They leave you hanging until the point of letting go.

I’ve been discerning a lot while I’ve been here. (Yeah, yeah, I’ve been thinking too much haha.) In less than a week I’ll be back in Manila, answering some open ended questions with my gut.

Warmth on a cold Christmas morning

The reason death sticks so closely to life isn’t biological necessity – it’s envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is just the passing shadow of a cloud – Life of Pi

At age 19 death took Chris Capinpin away too suddenly. At age 18, his  death made his good friend Rica Facundo cry a little bit too uncontrollably. Then 2 years later on his 21st birthday his death reminds her of life – his life, especially the moments they shared together. And even though time has passed and will continue to as the years trudge on, her 20 year old self can’t help but cry still.

Chris, now that I’m older I’ve realized just how valuable real friends are, especially the old ones who I’ve shared growing pains with. It gets harder to invest in new relationships because they don’t reciprocate as easily or it’s just harder to open yourself to trust or find someone who can relate. Or, in my case, I’m just okay with being alone sometimes.

But as I visited your grave on Christmas day, and was reminiscing the history of our friendship, it struck me that it wasn’t the case for us. And if death was fairer to life and let you stay with me a little bit longer, then you’d be one of those people who could easily take me out of my cynical bubble of solitude. And without knowing that you do, you would remind me to have faith. Your genuine concern for the people that you love was always effortless.

In retrospect Chris’ warmth – that was always his effect on people. So, when that 20 year old girl visited the grave of her  21 year old friend, she could still feel it, even on this cold Christmas morning.

I miss you caps. Happy birthday.

Late but not forgotten # 2

The second and last of the “late but not forgotten  series of photoblogs”

Have you ever noticed that compared to boys, girls seem to take longer to get closer and open up to new girls? Well, at least that’s in my experience. It could also be a high school barkada mentality where the only people you want to get to know in college are those  of the opposite sex.

But anyways, stereotypically speaking, boys can easily bond over a game of basketball, while for girls shopping is something usually reserved for our closest BFF’s and can’t be done for free.  If universally boys is to sports, then what is to girls?  Maybe the answer is boys HAHA.

I mention this because a couple of weeks ago, my bestfriends and I had coffee with a girl friend of ours, Michiko. You know how it works. Being part of the same crowd who goes to the same parties is limited to nothing more than a name you see pop up constantly on your feed, have pictures and (occasionally) get drunk with. It took more than a year for us to get out of the social networking induced friendship limbo. Why did it take so long for us to meet and hang out? It was so much fun, us 4 girls talking hours on end about love and relationships (among other things of course.) Very SATC.

The following Saturday my childhood/ISM bestfriend since Gr. 1 visits the north all the way from Taft. She went to watch her boy’s soccer game and hang out with me. Although I wasn’t her primary reason for going to Katipunan, lets say we did more talking than watching. And more oggling than watching too.  HAHA. We’re so different from each other but she’s like family to me so it doesn’t really matter now does it?

Then out of nowhere Karen surprises me by dropping a line via Facebook PM to set up a long over due catch up date. I was kilig! It wasn’t that long ago when we used to spend our summer swimming, yoga-ing, spa-ing, baking, foodie & hipster music tripping, tumblr raving and talking about our future.

Well, that afternoon we still talked about our future, but it’s kinda overwhelming to see how much that has overlapped with our present in just a year and intimidating to see how far it will continue to. Naturally we still talked about boys, but I have to applaud our ability to not make it the first thing that came out of our mouths.

It’s kinda sad how A3 has pretty much disbanded since sophomore year. But it’s efforts like this that still make me smile.

Fast forward to the people I do experience my college life with now. Another T.G.I.F night chilling at Loyola Film Circle’s Underneath the Stars event.

So many freaking couples being all kinds of sweet around me. But it’s okay if it’s Gabe & Marji because they’re my new favorite couple!

We must not let the robots take over.

Eat & live life with gusto. The double down was an over hype oozing with oil, but props to KFC for an effective marketing strategy. If you don’t mind, i’ll stick to burger buns.

The Revisit

I was getting ready for my friend’s birthday party last Saturday when a thought suddenly struck me like an unexpected text bearing slightly bad news. I had just found out that the attendees I’m relatively close to who I thought were going apparently weren’t. Shit.  ”Am i going to be out of place?” I thought.

But as i put the finishing touches to my make up, and got my stuff ready to go, it dawned upon me that it’s been a long time since I went to a party as an individual. Typically, we go out with our barkadas or a couple of close friends to buffer the potential social awkwardness and small talk that comes with meeting new people. Essentially our barkadas are our comfort zones of friendship so if we don’t know anybody well enough at a party, we don’t go.

I know that compared to before i’ve generally become more anti-social and selective with who I spend my time with. That’s why I joke around saying how much of a loner I’ve become.

These days I want either  good conversation or none at all, because honestly, i’d rather be alone in a coffee shop reading a book, or on my lap top than making useless small talk with people who I know aren’t  my real friends or who I don’t really jive with.  Sometimes I feel that the difficulty with being a sociable person is knowing how to distinguish a real connection from just a circumstantial one.

Maybe that sounds a little bit close minded but as Lena pointed out “You can’t be every body’s best friend.” It’s about knowing what you want, from people and for yourself. And I don’t think that make anyone, especially me, less of a friendly person.

Friend: I don’t see you around anymore

Me: Haha yeah, I don’t think I even see myself around anymore.

Ironically, that kind of mindset has also made me complacent about going out. So, despite not being assured of knowing anyone at the party, I went by myself anyway and ended up having a fantastic time.

Sure, we need our comfort zones, especially when it comes to friendship, but it make it easy to forget that we sometimes need to step out of it from time to time.

Overall, it was nice revisiting my old self this weekend.

Note to self: Don’t be such a loner all the time

Wishing upon a star

Reliability.

Irregardless of whether it’s as friends or lovers, having a spark with someone is  not enough to sustain and develop a relationship. Sometimes there is more value in the people who make an effort to show up than those whom you share a good conversation with from time to time.

We’re like stars in the sky. They only form beautiful constellations if you bother to see that they can.  If you don’t, then they’ll remain to be just points of light aimlessly floating around in the universe. You have to realize that there are some that you’re just not meant to wish upon but to admire from afar instead.

A Loner with friends

Honestly, I’m a loner with friends. And it’s those people who know how to be a loner with me that I get along with pretty well with. And if you didn’t get what I just said then we’re obviously not friends. Haha, just kidding.

But seriously, despite my love for talking and being with people, deep inside I’m a loner which I think is especially more evident this year. As Lena says “I’ve mastered being alone. It’s scary and at the same time liberating.”

But despite this potentially self-destructive train of thought, you always need a few key people who keep you sane. This year Keena has become one of those people. I forget when we started being more of friends by choice rather than just by circumstance but I’m glad we did.

It has given me faith that real friendship – the kind that’s more than just having a good time together or going through the motions of school with, can still form even when you’re not young anymore. It’s given me hope that there are still people you can trust and depend on.  It reminds me that “oh yeah, i can spend my time ‘just being’ with somebody.” This is friendship, reciprocated, equally.

So, when you read this Keena, this post is dedicated to you. Because

1. I really liked the artsy fartsy pictures we took in Xocolat the other week  (look below)
2. We both love to eat
3. I found a fellow mushroom hater (high five!)
4. You will probably get what I mean by being a “loner with friends”
5. Everything I just said above is true.

Keena likes studying… naked.

Definitely an intellectual turn on.

Just because I wear black doesn’t mean i don’t have a colorful personality.

Sometimes when I catch myself over thinking, I tell myself to shutup and smile instead.

Le Good Vibes

They say that John Mayer is an asshole. But it’s also known that John Mayer writes the most amazing lyrics which makes sense given that assholes typically know how to come up with the best lines.

Assholes aside, no matter what kind of music you like, everyone loves John Mayer. Truth resonates with every heart tugging and soul reaching lyric and note he produces and sings from that beautiful mind and sexy mouth of his.

Unfortunately that’s a kind of love that I can’t afford.  So, my friends and I had a “date” with John Mayer from a distance, enjoying the night over a couple of beers and good conversations.

Earlier that night I was on the brink of a bad mood, but it’s moments like these that remind me that life is only as carefree as I make it to be. Why be bothered by such trivial things when I have friends to live my life so awesomely with.

The Ateneo Bonfire the next weekend was a testament to that as well. We ended up ditching the procedurals for drinking on the back of Job’s pick up truck in an empty field by LGV where you could see the mountains of Marikina. The view was beautiful. And so was the moment.

I’m no John Mayer but I gotta say that life is spending the night on the back of a pick up truck with your friends. Carefree and fearless.

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Blockmates by choice

The story of block TR is one that I was really excited to share. I’m really glad I had an opportunity to get their unique story out on g!

——————-

Disclaimer: Reading this article may cause a sudden urge to B.B.T.F with your block.

Blockmates are the kind of package that the Ateneo signs, seals and delivers directly to your college doorstep during OrSem. But are your blockmates really your friends by choice, or is the “friendship” merely bound by circumstance?

As the first ever officially recognized Transferee Block of the Ateneo, Block TR’s answer already made history.

Read more here.

Mapping sunrises

The older we get, the more we need the people who knew us when we were young to map sunrises.

Sometimes it’s the friends who grow up along side of you that keep you sane. They are the ones who you never have to explain yourself to because they simply understand. And what’s beautiful is that they’ll never expect  you to either.

Despite how intricate growing up has been lately for the three of us, this month filled with late night coffee dates, spontaneous sleepovers, and unlimited cellphone calls proves that this friendship is timeless.

No one gets me the way they do and honestly I’m at the point where it doesn’t matter whether anyone else really does.

Good Burger, Good Vibes.

In college I’ve learned that you can meet all sorts of new people but few of which really stick around till the end. That’s why I never expect much or keep my hopes up because I’m aware of how transient these relationships can be. And it took me almost 2 years to realize that just because you get along with them, doesn’t mean that they’re your friends.  So I enjoy it while it lasts because really, we’ll never know who’ll be more than just a certain chapter of our lives so why not just enjoy the ride, right?

The latest chapter is what I like to call the “Bacolodians” aka the random group of friends I spent 4 days and 3 nights with in Bacolod. (Another post to follow about that awesome trip.)  I just came back from Burger Night at Chillis with them where there was a P120 promo on all burgers and not only was the dinner and trip sulit, but the friendship is too.

Honestly ever since the “Singles” group formed last sembreak I never thought I’d find another batch of friends whose chemistry feels as good as the burger meal I just had – unpretentious, filling and satisfying. With them I wouldn’t mind going for seconds, thirds or until there’s not enough space for anything more.