How to beat anxiety (?)

Its been weeks since my last official day of school.  I should be updating this blog more regularly now, but I haven’t. Although I feel the urge to write, lately I’ve been squirming in my seat and staring at my computer screen. I think all the writing I’ve been doing for school, Yahoo!, Guidon, etc has left me a little creatively exhausted and I need a break. It feels like double-dipping — writing for a living and blogging. I still need to find that balance.

Admittedly, the other reason is that I’ve been feeling a little (fine, maybe a lot) anxious about the future and that nagging desire of wanting to be affirmed. I know writing helps in letting your emotions out, but it’s also scary to confront issues by concretizing them into words. Hence, you look away, or in my case, look away from the  computer screen.

How to beat anxiety (?) I know that my fellow seniors feel the same way. In the last couple of weeks that I’ve been over thinking, analyzing, day dreaming and spacing out, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s easier to ask the questions (What am I going to do? Where am I going to work? Will they accept me?), than to figure out what to do with the answers when they come. Although I’m a ‘just do it and find out what happens already’ kind of a person, I’ve been hesitating.  Once you send in your resume to your options, that’s it. You finally find out whether you’re actually an option or its all been in your head.  The daydreaming stops and that bubble is broken into reality.

My friend offered a solution. He said you either “chill the fuck out” or be “insanely productive.”

But here I am blogging again, not only because I finally got some well-deserved rest (and a lot of fun, I might add) but I’ve always been a sucker for ‘reading the signs,’ reminding me why it’s worth doing what I want to pursue.

So proud to have worked with my executive board.

TL- A notebook from the Projects dept; BL-A book and flask from Eunice, Jen (I always get alcohol related tokens haha); R- A poster from the new EB)

Last Wednesday, ACOMM had our culmination night for a fantastic year wherein the outgoing officers give tokens to the incoming officers and vice versa. If you follow this blog, you might be sick of all my posts about my org, but I mean it when I say that rather than just being involved, investing yourself into an organization is a humbling experience that everyone should have.

I was moved by the tokens given to me: A book from Eunice, the incoming Vice President; a flask and a bottle of wine from Jen, my unlikely friend who’s only a sophomore; a notebook for work from my department with little messages  so that I can smile when I eventually come across the page daw; and a poster from the incoming EB with more messages.

Despite how anxious I’ve been feeling lately, the culmination night, which was heavy with heartfelt sentiment and light with laughter, reminded me why it’s worth challenging myself and others along the way. You grow, you make friends, you make mistakes. For someone to tell me, “Thank you for believing in me” or “I look up to you” is a constant reminder to believe in myself. Belief, is such a powerful conviction that keeps you alive, along with love. It can save your soul, even when for one reason or another you might eventually ‘sell it’ albeit hesitantly.

Yes, I cried (I'm so soft nowadays.) I'm so proud of the sexycans aka Abby and Kevin who were my AVP's this year.

The projects department is a big family! We won best department of the year. Glad to see everyone active this year and next (albeit moving on to other departments. Multi-talented kasi haha.)

In the last couple of months of working at Yahoo! and crossing paths with the Rappler team,  I’ve also had the opportunity to brush elbows with some truly remarkable and talented people in their field who absolutely believe in what they’re doing. I’ve learned so much from them.

Top- at the Rappler party with Maria Ressa, Ma'am Chay Hofilena, Alodia Gosengfiao; Bottom - Country editor of Yahoo! Ph Erwin Oliva and Producer/reporter Jason Domantay

In the real world they say we risk losing our sense of idealism, but after running into some ‘older’ industry experts and some aspiring Filipino youth, it’s not impossible not to. There is hope for the future whether it’s my own or the country’s. (A separate post on that.)

I'm a writer for ManilaLive.ph -- a new and awesome guide to live entertainment in the metro

There is hope as long as there are people who are willing to work, not necessarily to change the world, but to improve the standards that we know could be better. The standards that most people accept complacently. My best friend and rising opera star owns ManilaLive.ph, which I help out by writing for. It’s still in the works but it exposes a myth that there’s nothing cultural to do in the Philippines. There is! It just needs to be organized.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

A mentor-like figure recently told me that it doesn’t matter where you go  ”as long as you dive in, be smart, stand out, you’ll excel in any career path.” Make choices confidently, because you don’t know whether or not they’ll turn out as mistakes later on.

So here’s to diving headfirst into the future by finally sending in some resumes tonight. If you’re reading this, maybe you can hire me? Haha!

Check out my new layout including the “About me,” “Portfolio” and “Projects” section. I think “Constantly Curious” is more apt than “Fed up with your indigestion.” Find out why! 

Do you know what you want?

Picture from the internet

I can write so many entries about career and following your dreams (and I will), but sometimes a mere conversation between two friends can do the trick. This feeling (emptiness? drive? anxiety? passion?) is something we struggle with together anyway. Consider this the first out of many post-college entries about figuring out what we (rather, what I) want in life. This is what Gab and I talked about over BBM this morning.

——-

Gab: Do you think you’ve figured out what you want in life? More like what you want out of life? At least in the next 3 years or so.

Me: Yup, I think so. I know what direction I want to go. Why whatsup?

Gab: I was thinking about how some people keep figuring out what they want that’s why they don’t get things done.

Gab: When you figure out what you want, doing things to get that becomes automatic. I was just musing on the thought.

Me: Haha, actually I think I’ll disagree with you at one point. You should get things done in order to figure out what you want. You’re not going to get anywhere if you just wait to suddenly be struck by what you want.

Me: I have a good idea of what I want to do because I’ve tried so many things.  I think knowing what you want will help you become better at your craft because you’re striving towards an idealized version of yourself.

Gab: No, I believe with doing things to figure things out. But if you know what you want, all your actions are in accord with each other in finding it. Or getting it.

Me: Yeah, of course it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing but what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be so fixated about the end goal. We’re so young. How do we know what we want at this age?  Look at our parents. How long has it taken for them to get where they are now? Things change. That’s why if you noticed that in my answer I said I know my direction.

Me: I think knowing what you want is an ideal we strive for, something that can help us anchor our life but not necessarily what we end up with.  As long as you’re happy with what you’re doing and your life, even if you haven’t gotten whatever it is that you think you want, then I think that’s more important.

(then the conversation goes another way for awhile)

Gab: I don’t bank on end goals simply because they always turn out differently at the end. More like know what you want, act accordingly and that will eventually lead to that.

Me: I agree. The last thing you said it just what I said about knowing what you want is an anchor, where your will takes you.

Gab: It just seems that the more you get to know what you want, the more natural your actions become.

Me:  What do you mean?

Gab: A guy wanting the hottest girl around. He would hit on the hottest girl without a second thought. A guy who’s not sure if he wants to go through the motions of winning a hot girl would be hesitant.

Me: Hahaha well, that just goes down to confidence and practice/ experience.

Gab: You want to be a good writer therefore you do things to improve you without being hesitant

Me: Knowing what you want will put you in more situations that will help you improve your craft. Ex. Courtside. I know what I wanted but I used to be nervous as hell. But it took exposure and practice to make it look more effortless

Gab: There. You pinned it with situations

Me: Isn’t that why they say the most successful people go through the most failures to get where they are now.

Gab: Knowing what you want helps you get it because you put yourself in those situations rather unwittingly.

Send a dream request

Ateneo Student Leaders Assembly, Batch X. October 25-29

Imagine your dreams to be like the walls of Facebook, a place to declare your aspirations for everyone to see. Both are curious phenomenon’s where tagging friends and building support share a common secret to success — sharing oneself with others. That’s what makes the Ateneo Student Leaders Assembly or “ASLA” program so special. It’s a social networking site for achieving your dreams.

Friends can both like your status and affirm your need for self-assurance, which characterizes humans, not only when dream seeking, but in cyberland too.  Comments are appreciated, especially those with enough insight help to make the post a top story, like dreams nearing the brink of reality.

Last year I was fortunate enough to be accepted to this five day congress in Camp Explore, Antipolo as a participant. I was one out of 45 other student leaders from different Ateneo campuses across the country, including Manila, Cullion, and Davao. Now on its 10^th year, I revisited but as a student facilitator (facci) instead.

With Jethro, my co-facci and fellow ASLA9 batchmate

Veteran facci’s weren’t kidding when they said going through ASLA as a facci is a completely different experience. Apart from their journey, additionally the facci is preoccupied and partly responsible for the struggle of the batch as well. The challenge is to listen, as in really listen, not only to ourselves, but to what others are saying, feeling and most especially not disclosing.

Capture what no one else sees. Listen.

Nowadays the internet, our cell phones, personal lives and social networking sites constantly compete for our attention. How then can we say that we genuinely listen? This is why the lack of phone signal in Antipolo is something I look forward to in ASLA. It encourages me to be fully present to myself and others because paying attention reaps more valuable rewards.

I love this picture. Jethro the good Samaritan.

The job is actually quite paradoxical. While one of our tasks is observation-analysis, an act which implies detachment from our subject, it’s difficult to separate ourselves from their issues. Genuine understanding requires a level of intimacy and openness– a relationship with the people we are inclined to help.

My small group of crazy dreamers!

Frankly, I had a selfish reason for going back to ASLA. I knew that being surrounded by passion-driven individuals would give me the re-motivation I needed to survive my second semester projects. Since I’m graduating, I also wanted to remind myself of my dreams—what they were and why I should pursue them especially since ASLA is the experience that made it evident to me. But while I entered expecting to be motivated, I left feeling moved, even to the point of tears.

On day 5 something remarkable happened. Without instructions from the facci’s, the group took it upon themselves to ‘tag’ people they knew could help realize each other’s dreams. While this was happening I noticed that the facci’s couldn’t help but smile. A facci may not be a Mark Zuckerburg, but networking dreams is something ASLA doesn’t need Facebook for.

Indeed everyone has selfish reasons for being in ASLA, whether it’s because they need direction, answers or affirmation in their life. But like Facebook, the magic of ASLA occurs when everyone is willing to share, listen and send a dream request. Fellow dreamers are the ones crazy enough to accept.

Some memorable ASLA quotes and other pictures:

“A bright person knows where the dots are, a wise person knows how to connect them.”

“Failure is an option but fear is not”

“Changemakers are trouble makers. Have courage and be abnormally persistent”

“Thank your antagonists.”

“You’re always window shopping but never stopping to buy.”

“What is Filipino is a difficult question. We’re not proud because we don’t know what to be proud of. ” (Ivan Henares, Speaker)

“It is more important to teach a man how to LOVE fishing so that he will fish for a life time”

“To be part of a possibility is already a great responsibility”

“Take the road less traveled, happily.” 

“You can not give unless you are wiling to be broken” (Pagsi)

The “Ressa principle”– Be self-aware to have conviction & passion to draw the line between good & evil.

I’m so happy that I got to hear and meet my role model.  When she said “Am I Filipino or American,” I couldn’t help relate with my struggle as an aspiring broadcast journalist  who doesn’t have a full grasp of Filipino culture and language.

Fellow ASLA batch 9!

Pictures from the graduation dinner:

Commitment issues

It’s a rainy sunday afternoon within a 3 day weekend (among other 3-4 day weekends this August) and I promised myself that I would take the opportunity to write a series of life updates before I work on anything else. Despite being busy, it’s unlike me to not take a moment to write, but like everything else I’m learning about my senior year, I want to give the things I do the quality time it deserves. Which brings me to my next point…

Spreading myself too thin, which is acceptable only if it’s spreads vertically (aka weight loss) and not horizontally (being involved in too many things). Haha!

Last year this is how I originally envisioned my senior year to be: thesis, courtside reporting, academics, ACOMM EB, president of toastmasters, love life (HAHA kidding. Seriously, it’s not a priority). Someone once asked me “How are you planning to balance all of that?” to which my other friend replied “Si Rica toh, kaya niya yan!”

I love banksy!

Fast forward to the present and I realized that if things went according to plan “How the hell would I have been able to do all of that?”, at least without doing each thing half-heartedly and half-assedly. Luckily I had the sensibility (and guts) to say no to things I really wanted to do which have turned out to be such blessings in disguise.

Indeed less really is more. You can exercise freedom and find fulfillment in making a commitment. The more time you can invest into something, the more chances you have to explore, grow and make a difference in yourself and in others. Personally, that’s what makes any decision worth it. Before taking on the challenge meant taking on additional responsibilities. Now it’s to go in depth with them.

Although honestly I was looking forward to having a sense of continuity in my professional life. After last year’s enjoyable stint courtside reporting and dj-ing that made me realize that I wanted to pursue broadcasting after college, I’m currently doing none of the above. So much for the continuity I prided myself in finding last year, right?

From high school to college there seems to be a trend! I never noticed it until now. Is this part of my future too?

But the dream has definitely not died. If anything, the winds that carry them have gotten stronger.

To paraphrase what Conan O’ Brien said in his recent Dartmouth commencement speech about the Late Night fiasco, “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal … that can become a catalyst for profound re-invention. To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.”

In light of how things have turned out, like Conan, I have the time to reinvent myself and I feel it in my heart that I’m already starting to.

Dear universe, Love faith

(c) Xavi Virata

I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul, where i’ll end up, i think only god really knows. – Cat Stevens

The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” – John 3:8

Dear universe,

I can hear the wind, the wind of my soul, gently whispering upon my nape “Be patient, be patient.” But each touch tingles like hope, lingering like a prophecy that has yet to unfold, foreshadowing? but not quite casting a shadow either.

Universe, when will you spill your secrets? I’m patiently waiting for my stars to be more than untold.

Please, universe, please.

Love, Faith

Blowing bubbles

One day I will touch the clouds,

by reaching beyond my fingertips and blowing bubbles to the sky.

For these dreams are worth my every try.  

Never stop blowing bubbles. 

I Wander Where You Are – A letter to my dreams

3o day letter challenge

Day 5: A letter to my dreams

Dear dreams,

You’re like your fluffy white counterpart in the sky. A constantly changing energy that’s shaped by the direction of the wind,  the other unseen forces of nature or both. But whatever your shape is, a dream is still a dream the same way a cloud is still a cloud. It’s made up of the same wonderful stuff that makes me look towards that horizon in the sky.

I definitely have a lot dreams, but sometimes they can be pretty fickle minded. One day I’m chasing one thing then the next day it’s something else. What’s frustrating is that I can never seem to make up my mind about what I want from you. There are just so many things I want to do. There are many areas I want to dabble in. Even with you  I have commitment issues.

I admire my friends around me who know exactly what they want to do and are well on their way of making those dreams a reality at such an early age. Sometimes it makes me feel bad because I continually struggle with my lack of focus. My teacher and mentor once told me that I have so much energy that I need to learn how to harness it because  it tends to make me scattered. Why can’t i just stick to achieving one dream?

That was until I realized I can’t force myself to be someone I’m not. I’m a holistic kind of person. Specialization is not my style because it bores me. My dreams change with every new thing I discover about the world and myself.

Back in high school I was seriously considering becoming a UN ambassador or diplomat. If I went to the US international relations is the course I wanted to major in. Now I find myself in communication spending the last 3 years dipping my toes in almost every form of media – journalism, radio and broadcasting.   I still have yet to discover if PR is my calling because i know advertising isn’t.

So, dreams, despite your constant shape shifting, I more or less have an idea of where you’re heading now and what I want from you. Of what form that will take I still have no definite answers. But the skills and experience I collect along the way will be my key to finally meeting you.

Hopefully though I’ll find you and your wonderful stuff floating all around the world. Because now my dream is to discover where you’ll take me.

Love,

The wanderering Rica

Purposeful adventures

“I’m ready to shed my carefree days for more purposeful adventures”

I don’t know whether it’s really our generation, or because my peers are all in this certain stage in their lives (including myself), or the fact that I’m surrounded by such ambitious people. But these days everyone seems to be fighting to make their dreams a reality; getting their head out of the clouds and getting their feet moving on the grounds towards their unforeseeable future.

I spent last weekend at the beach with my blockmates where we spent hours on end discussing the media/communication industry, our eventual place in it and how we’re planning on getting there and leaving our mark. We’re barely hitting our twenties and already so many people have a head start while others are still trying to catch up and figure it out. It seems that now the younger we are the more driven we’ve become. It’s slightly ironic how at 19 I already feel the pressure from the “competition.”

I love seeing my friends accomplish their dreams but honestly, sometimes their successs scares the shit out of me. They are a living and breathing example of dreams being realized. It’s an in-your-face kinda feeling, mockingly saying that you can do the same yet haven’t. But you want to.

Is it me or are quarter life crises replacing mid-life crises?

There’s a Zen Buddhist saying in Eat, Pray, Love about how an oak tree is brought into creation by 2 forces. Firstly, the seed which holds all the promise and potential which grows into the tree. Secondly it’s the future tree itself which wants so badly to exist that pulls the acorn into being. Essentially it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.

Given all my insatiable desires and everything that has been happening these past couple of months it’s comforting to think that somewhere out there my future self is cheering me on, flirting with the Gods to get me a date with opportunity so that I may actualize into the person patiently waiting for my past and present self to arrive.